So Long And Thanks For All The



The dolphins had decided to leave earth. Finally. It was the honking that got to them. Bowriders, Pontoons, Trawlers, Cruisers, Deck Boats and even dinghies had horns. Loud, piercing, ocean-peace shattering monsters carved out of gaudy-coloured plastic. Biology was of no help, as the dolphins could hear a rather impressively huge range of frequencies from 20 HZ to 20 Khz. The misery of having a ear 7 times more sensitive than a human one was acutely and unhappily felt by them.

Their plan was simple, relocate to another planet where there were no human beings. They had found a vast number of such beautiful land masses and were quite spoilt for choice. Finally, they decided on Kepler 22B because the blue of its ocean mirrored the drifting cerulean waters of the earth. Yes, they were going to miss home but their spacebubble, Absolute Darkness, the only thing in the universe faster than light was ready.

Before they left as a parting gift they gobbled every single squid in the ocean. Why you may ask? Why did the most intelligent, articulate, altruistic creature on earth devour every single cellaphod of the order Teuthida. A whim? Perhaps not considering what followed.

After the squid disappeared with the dolphins, the whales and the seals died of starvation. This led to the balance of the oceans being disturbed.  There weren’t valiums large enough to placate such a humungous volume of agitation and the oceans poured their angry frustration into creating crests higher than skyscrapers, which tornadoed into the nearby land  gobbling up everything that stood on terra firma with mountains of water.

The flooding killed all the small creatures on earth including the bees, which performed 80% of the pollination in the world. To give you an idea on how busy the bees actually are, a single bee can pollinate 300 million flowers each day. However, when the waters came, the bees went without a buzz. They didn’t even get customary watches to commemorate so many years of faithful service.

The death of the bees was the beginning of decline for mankind. A paucity of food led to wars between a population of many. Unfortunately, some of these fighters had nukes at their fingertips, which first they dangled as a warning, then dropped as a lesson.

Everybody who died, if given a chance, would have agreed on one thing. The end was a magnificent sight, an intense bright flash, followed by a glowing fireball whose heat burnt the skin of bodies and silenced minds engineered to escape.

When that time wrap of intense suffering paused, all that was left on earth were a few, bright, red plastic horns, glinting obscenely in the sun, amidst the blackness of absolute destruction.  Luckily, there was nobody to press them.

Moral: Everything comes to an End.

The dolphin is drawn by the fabulous Bijoy Venugopal. You can find more of his wonderful stuff here bijoyvenugopal.com